Knowing how your sexual senses differ from your partner’s may be the greatest sex skill of all, says W.W. Meade in this artitle from the RD Archives from 1995
Because they want to share everything, lovers imagine that their senses are identical—that they feel the same silk, see the same rainbow, smell the same rose, taste the same wine, hear the same song. But even though the senses of men and women work in similar ways, there are differences in how the sexes interpret what they feel, see, smell, taste and hear.
This may be significant when it comes to lovemaking. What we find erotic varies widely among individuals. It can take some exploration to find out what truly excites you and your partner, because during sext there are not five senses at work, but ten. "When people are making love, there are two minds in the bed," says psychologist and marital therapist David Schnarch. "A sensation has to work for both."
Exploring what truly delights your senses and your partner's can greatly enhance pleasure. "Most people think sex equals intercourse and don't have a concept of sensuality at all," says Faye Heller, a sex therapist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas. "If you don't know your own body, you can't communicate to someone else what you like and don't like."
Here, then, is a guide to the ten sexual senses—both yours and your partner’s. If you're looking for love yourself, check out.
Power of touch
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| Any area of the body with lots of nerve endings and blood-vessels has potential for sexual stimiulation. Credit: LightFieldStudios |
The more nerve endings and blood-vessels in an area of the body, the greater its potential for sexual stimulation. "Feeling does not take place in the topmost layer of the skin but in the second layer," says Diane Ackerman in A Natural History of the Senses. "This is why safe-crackers are sometimes shown sandpapering their fingertips."
The genitals, ear lobes, mouth, breasts, buttocks and inner thighs are obviously erotic areas for most people. But the neck, palms, feet and stomach are also hot spots for many.
The sequence of touch can also have a powerful erotic effect. Generally it's most erotic to start by caressing the least sensitive places on the body, working towards the most sensitive. Starting immediately with the most sensitive areas may be a turn-off.
"You may need to show your partner exactly how much pressure you want."
There are some differences in the way men and women like to be touched, report Anne Moir and David Jessel in their book Brain Sex (Mandarin). Women seem far more sensitive to pressure on the skin. Although they don't take longer than men to become aroused, as is widely believed, many prefer a gentler touch at first because of this greater sensitivity. But since people usually touch their lover the way they like to be touched, you may need to show your partner exactly how much pressure you want.
The intention behind a touch maybe the most important element of all, experts say. "When we feel aroused by touch, it's because we're able to read our lover's desire," says David Schnarch. "Our ability to read another person's erotic message is so powerful that if a man simply looks at a woman with clear sexual intent, she can feel touched by him. But empty touch doesn't arouse anyone. You can't simply stroke a man or woman on the inner thigh and expect firework
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| Eye contact can really enhance your sex life. Credit: Rawpixel According to conventional wisdom, men are more aroused by visual stimulation than women are. This may explain why a man might prefer to have the lights on during sex—so he can see his partner better—while a woman may like dim light or none at all. Women can be just as responsive to erotic images, however, when they permit themselves to be. "Women have the same kind of arousal from looking at an attractive man as males do from looking at women, but they're conditioned not to admit it," says Faye Heller. "That's changing, though. Women are now getting much freer about it." Even the colour of your bedroom or night-clothes can affect pleasure. On this, men and women agree. In a study at Loyola University in New Orleans, both sexes thought that the most erotic colours (from most to least) were red-orange, dark blue, violet, black, yellow, green, brown and grey. The only colour rated differently was green, which women found sexier than men did. As powerful an erotic stimulant as vision is, though, we often make the mistake of not using our eyes when we make love. Many people are inhibited by their dissatisfaction with their bodies. Women may think their breasts are too small, their thighs too big. Men have similar fears about their penis or the thickness of their hair. We're so self-conscious that it's hard for us to believe someone could be turned on by us. "A lot of people miss out on pleasure by avoiding eye contact during sex," says Schnarch. "It's one thing to watch your partner during sex and another to see your partner watching you back. When that happens, the connection is much more intense." |